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The heightened emphasis
attached to romantic love can be seen in the proliferation of new
kinds of love letters. Courtship letters changed by the nineteenth
century from brief notes to longer, more effusive expositions of feelings
and emotions. Seventeenth century Puritans tended to moderate expression
of affection in love letters. A letter from a Westfield, Connecticut,
minister to his sweetheart was not atypical. After describing his
passion for her as "a golden ball of pure fire," he added that his
affection "must be kept within bounds too. For it must be subordinate
to God's Glory."
By the late eighteenth century, love letters, particularly those written by men, had grown more expansive and less formal. Instead of addressing their beloved in highly formalized terms, lovers began to use such terms of endearment as "dearest" or "my beloved." In their love letters, couples described feelings of affection that were deeply romantic. In 1844, Alexander Rice, a study at Union College in Schnechtady, New York, described the feeling that overcame him when he first met his fiance, Augusta McKim. "I felt...as I had never felt in the presence of a lady before and there seemed to be a kind of [direction] saying to me that I was now meeting her whom it was appointed should be my special object of affection and love." Yet even in deeply impassioned love letters such as this one, writers stressed that their love was not motivated solely by transient emotions, but by mutuality of tastes, companionship, trust, and shared interests. Alexander Rice made this point in typical terms: emotion alone would not have led him "blindly forward had not I discovered in you those elements of character and those qualities of mind which my judgment approved." The kind of love that early nineteenth century Americans sought was not transient passion, declared Henry Poor, a young Bangor, Maine, attorney, in a letter to his fiance, but a higher kind of love, "the kind that seeks its gratification in mutual sympathy." The most surprising fact disclosed in early nineteenth century love letters is that courting couples were less sexually restrained than the myth of Victorian sexual values would suggest. Although the colonial custom of bundling--according to which a courting couple shared a common bed without undressing--had fallen into disuse by 1800, physical displays of affection remained an important part of courtship.
Seventeen-year old Lester Frank
Ward, who would later become one of the foremost late nineteenth
century American sociologists, recorded in his diary a visit to
his fiance's house: "my beloved and I went down, made a fire, and
sat down to talk and kiss and embrace and bathe in love." Other
surviving love letters also suggest that physical affection and
sexual intimacy played an important role in many courtships. Mary
Butterfield of Racine, Wisconsin, described her feelings after spending
an evening with her fiance in the Racine Hotel: "I was so glad afterwards
when you seemed so sincerely pleased & happy--so satisfied with
me." Still, her feelings were confused. "...It was a pleasure and
yet women so naturally guard such treasures with jealousy &
care, that it seems very "strange" to yield them even to the 'best
loved one' who has a claim to such kindnesses. So of course it seemed
very 'strange' to me." Return to top
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